I'm not totally sure how to word what I want to say. As usual, I'll figure it out as I go along. For the past few years, I've gone through the epic struggle that many people my age have gone through - that is, the struggle to find and achieve whatever career will make me feel somewhat useful, fairly fulfilled, and reasonably reimbursed for my efforts. It's been a big thing for me, actually. I went through 4 years of post-secondary torture. Most of it was pointless, except for the purpose of helping me figure out what I'm not going to do for a living. To be completely honest, I try to think outside the box, so I realize that your career isn't automatically what is going to fulfill you; it's not necessarily your great destiny on this planet. But for me, I think my career, if I have one in store will be a big part of why God put me on this planet.
Crikey, I've barely started this rant and I'm already getting off track.
Anyways, to give a little background: like I said, I went through four long years of wandering in the academic desert, trying to figure out my calling. And basically every year, or in some cases every semester, I'd hit upon a new career choice. And within a few months, I'd realize as much of an interest as I had in the field, it was really not something I was able, or in some cases willing to devote myself to. As a result, I'm at the age where I should have a degree, or something to show for the time and effort I've put in, and maybe even a job where pretty much everyone I work with isn't higher up the chain than me. But hey, that's the way it worked out. I've got a job where the garb is disposable, and I'm glad the work is only mostly pointless, as opposed to damaging to our society's moral fibre. I mean, who really needs to go out to an Italian restaurant for dinner? Save some money, go to the grocery store, buy pasta, cheese, sauce and whatever else and make what you want at home. There's no need to spend an arm and a leg on Fettucine Alfredo. Wait, I forgot. There is as long as I work there.
I'm trying to convey here that my lack of substantial accomplishments has for quite some time been a source of extreme annoyance. As I told a friend earlier tonight, it's something that's been gnawing at the back of my brain for quite some time, and that will continue to some degree or another, visibly or not every day until I have achieved some level of accomplishment in my life.
Why am I taking up valuable web space explaining this? Because this is actually a major part of who I am at the moment. If you can understand this, you can understand me. Gee whillikers, that's a scary thought. But it's true. For some reason, I think I've been unwilling to honestly face this issue in my life. I'm facing it now, because I'm starting on the long slow journey towards resolving this issue, so I guess I can say I'm doing something about it.
I believe I've referred to this... what do you call it? A gap? a regret? a source of pain? hmm.. no, I don't like that last one. Too melodramatic. but it's a nasty feeling, that's for sure. I know that you never really get to a place in your life where you say, well here I am. I got everything I want, now I just sit back and enjoy it. I know I won't have that after I've gotten my education and gotten a decent job. But I will have reached a goal which I've always felt was definitely within reach.
As always, I welcome your feedback. It's a source of comfort to me to know that there's a few people out there who feel like they're in the same boat as me, so if this does the same thing for the masses of readers out there, hey that's great.
Going to bed now, I think.